Why honesty can't be outscored

By Ayal Elbaz, therapist and author of How to Choose the Right Man

Imagine a man who has almost everything. He's warm, he makes you laugh, he's generous with his time, your friends adore him. And now and then, something he tells you turns out not to be quite true.

Most of us would weigh it up. Nobody's perfect. Look at everything else he brings.

In my experience of more than twenty years as a therapist, this is the one place where that kind of weighing up – that compromise – doesn't work. Honesty isn't one quality among many. It's the ground the others stand on.

Why one lie matters more than it seems

When a person lies once, it usually shows they are capable of lying – and that they will do so again. Once lying becomes a habit, it is often beyond their control.

And when we are lied to, something changes immediately. We lose trust, and it is extremely hard to regain it – especially when it has happened before. It takes a long time to build trust and only a second to damage it. We are sensitive that way.

A close relationship cannot continue without trust. You can't relax with someone whose word you have to check. You can't plan a life on half-truths. Little by little, the doubt seeps into everything else – into his kindness, his promises, even the good moments.

That is why, in my guide, honesty is a must-have. If a man isn't honest with you, his other qualities don't compensate for it. They only make it harder to see.

Honest doesn't mean perfect

None of this means he has to be flawless. Everyone has a small white lie in them – the kind that spares someone's feelings. That isn't what I mean.

What I mean is simpler: is he straight with you? If you notice that you double-check what he says, ask his friends, or read between the lines of his stories, your instinct may already be telling you something.

How to see it early

Honesty is hard to judge on a first date. Most people are on their best behaviour, and a confident liar can be very convincing. So give it a few dates, and a few weeks, and watch for small things rather than big ones:

Do his stories stay the same when they come up again?
Is he open about himself, or vague about his past, his work, his plans?
How does he talk about other people? A man who boasts about deceiving others will not make an exception for you.
What happens when he's caught out in a small mistake? Does he admit it, or explain it away?

And above all, trust what you sense. Women are very perceptive. If something feels off – even a little – don't talk yourself out of it because everything else is so good. Give it attention, and keep watching.

Don't be too lenient

The hardest part of honesty is that when we like someone, we want to give them the benefit of the doubt. That is a generous instinct. But with lies, leniency is a slippery slope. Once you have accepted an excuse or two, the next ones become 'easier' to accept, until you find yourself in a relationship where you are never quite sure what's true. A sincere, honest man is a great catch. It is worth holding out for one.

Seeing it clearly

In Serelle, honesty is one of five must-haves. You answer three private questions about it, along with 75 more about the rest of him, and if he falls short on honesty, Serelle tells you – however high the rest of his score.

Your answers stay yours, and the decision always stays with you.

Download Serelle and see him clearly, before you decide.