How he treats his parents, and what it tells you

By Ayal Elbaz, therapist and author of How to Choose the Right Man

There is an old piece of advice: watch how a man treats his mother. Like most old advice, it is a little too simple – but there is something true in it.

In my guide, a man's love and respect for his parents is one of the 26 qualities I look at. Not because his family has to be perfect, but because of what his relationship with them can show you about him.

No family is perfect

Let me say this first, because it matters. Some parents aren't wonderful. Some are downright difficult, and a few are truly harmful. It is entirely understandable for a man to be upset with his parents, to disagree with them, or to keep some distance.

So this is not about having a happy family. It is about something more basic.

Respect, even amid disagreement

When a man allows anger or disappointment to take hold of him to the point where he has no respect for his parents at all, those feelings – justified or not – tend to spread into other parts of his life. Including, eventually, his relationship with you.

Respect, in this sense, is not agreement. It is seeing someone as deserving some appreciation, gratitude and patience. A basic respect for one's parents is something most people carry naturally, and in a healthy person it is still there, even where the relationship is complicated – except in extreme cases.

So the questions are gentle ones:

Does he love and respect his parents?
Does he show basic respect even when he disagrees with them?
Does he appreciate what they gave him, even where they fell short?

That last one is perhaps the most telling. A man who can say "my father wasn't easy, but he worked hard for us" has made a kind of peace that will serve him – and you – well.

What to notice

You will learn a lot simply from how he talks about them.

His tone. Is there warmth, humour, patience – or contempt?
Fairness. Can he describe their faults without cruelty, and their good sides as well?
Contact. Does he stay in touch, in whatever way makes sense for his family?
How he behaves with them, if you meet them. Kind? Patient? Dismissive?

Notice, too, how he speaks about other important people in his life – old friends, former partners. A pattern of bitterness toward everyone who was once close to him is worth taking seriously.

Why it matters for you

Our ability to show and feel love and affection grows, more than anywhere else, out of our relationships with the people closest to us. A man who can hold on to respect and appreciation, even for people who disappointed him, is likely to do the same for you on the difficult days that every relationship has. And a man who has written off everyone who ever let him down may, one day, write you off as well.

Seeing it clearly

In Serelle, this is one of 26 qualities, with three private questions of its own. You answer them along with the rest, and Serelle shows you where he stands – what's a strength, what's worth watching, and whether anything essential is missing.

Your answers stay yours, and the decision always stays with you.

Download Serelle and see him clearly, before you decide.