How to know if he's the right man for you

By Ayal Elbaz, therapist and author of How to Choose the Right Man

There is a question almost every woman asks at some point, quietly, often only to herself: could he be the one?

It can arrive at any moment. Things are going well. He's attentive, the conversation is easy, your friends like him. And still, somewhere underneath, a small voice wants to be sure.

That voice is worth listening to. Not because something is necessarily wrong, but because few decisions in life matter more than the person you build it with – and yet most of us make that decision mostly on feelings.

After more than twenty years of working with people in therapy, in Australia, South Africa, Poland and Israel, I have come to believe that choosing well is not a matter of luck. It is a matter of knowing what to look for, and having the calm to look.

Chemistry is real – but it isn't enough

Let me say first: I am a romantic. I believe in that pull you feel with certain people, the one that makes life suddenly exciting. Special connections absolutely do exist.

But that pull is not a measure of whether a relationship will last. A wonderful smile, beautiful eyes, a strong attraction you can't quite explain – none of these will carry two people through years together. Very often the feeling is real and the man is simply not right for you, and both of those things can be true at the same time.

The good news is that the qualities that do make a relationship last can be seen. Not at once, and not by interrogating him, but over a few dates and weeks, if you know where to look.

The qualities that matter most

In my guide I describe 26 qualities. Some matter far more than others. Here are a few that, in my experience, decide again and again how a relationship turns out.

Is he honest with you? Not perfect – none of us is – but straight with you. Does he own up when he's wrong, rather than covering it over? Do you find yourself taking his word without checking? Put simply: do you believe him? Without honesty there is no trust, and without trust a close relationship cannot work. No amount of charm or attraction makes up for it.

Does he let you be yourself? A man who accepts you as you are, supports your decisions and your dreams, and lets you spend time with the people you love without resenting it, is giving you room to breathe. A man who needs to know your every move is usually acting from his own fears – and what can look like affection and 'worry' early on often becomes control later.

Does he truly listen? Not just wait for you to finish, but listen – and remember what you said a few days later. Communication is not talking. It is speaking and listening, and speaking and listening, at roughly the same ratio.

Does he believe in a future – with you? Does he talk about the future in real terms, rather than in the abstract? A man who sincerely wants a long-term relationship behaves differently from one who is simply enjoying the present.

Do you see life the same way? Family, children, values, how you each picture yourselves twenty years from now. Some common ground is needed to work together as a couple, as a team.

Is he optimistic? Bitterness about life and other people tends to grow, not shrink. A man who sees the beauty in life is far easier to build one with.

Some things can't be made up for

This is the part most quizzes and checklists miss. A relationship is not a sum of points where a high score in one area cancels out a low one in another.

Some qualities are must-haves. If a man is warm, funny, generous and successful – but isn't honest with you – he doesn't pass. His other qualities don't compensate for it; they only make it harder to see. The same is true of a man who won't let you be yourself.

So when you think about a man, it helps to ask two separate questions: how much of what matters does he have? and is anything essential missing?

How to look without testing him

None of this means turning your dates into an interview. Quite the opposite.

Be yourself. Don't pass judgment or be critical; let him be, and learn what you can. Ask about his life, his work, his family, his thoughts on the future – out of genuine interest. Notice whether he opens up or stays guarded. Notice how he speaks about his parents and his friends. Notice whether he remembers.

And trust what you sense. Women are very perceptive and intuitive. If something feels off – even a little – don't talk yourself out of it. Give it attention, and keep watching.

One more thing I have seen many times: kind, loving women tend to see the good in people, the potential underneath. Sometimes that potential comes out. Most often it doesn't, and it stays hidden for reasons that run deep. Judge him by who he is and what he does now, not only by who he could be.

Seeing it clearly

When you like someone, it can be hard to step back and see the whole picture. That is exactly why I turned my guide into Serelle.

You answer 78 private questions about the man you have in mind – three for each of the 26 qualities – and Serelle shows you where he stands: a score out of 157, which qualities are strengths, which are worth watching, and whether any must-have is missing. Every result comes with the reasoning behind it, so you understand your own doubts instead of being handed a verdict.

Your answers stay yours, and the decision always stays with you.

Download Serelle and see him clearly, before you decide.