Signs he's open with you

By Ayal Elbaz, therapist and author of How to Choose the Right Man

After a few months together, some women realise something unsettling: they know his routine, his friends and his favourite food – and still don't really know him.

Being open is one of the 26 qualities in my guide, and a quietly important one. It is closely linked to communication, but it is not the same thing. A man can talk easily about work, sport or the news and still keep himself to himself.

Why sharing matters so much

Sharing – personal communication – is the most intimate kind there is. The more two people know about each other's inner world, the more trust, affinity, love and closeness they build.

And that closeness has a very practical value. Couples who truly know each other tend to resolve disagreements, conflicts and even fights faster and more easily. When you understand why he feels what he feels, it is much easier to meet him halfway – and for him to meet you.

Openness takes time for some men

It's worth being fair here. Some men are naturally more reserved. Opening up can take them time and effort, especially if they grew up in a family where feelings weren't talked about.

So this isn't about expecting him to share everything on the first date. It's about direction: is he gradually letting you in, or keeping the door closed?

The signs to notice

Is he upfront about himself? His past, his family, his work, his plans – does he talk about them, or stay vague?
Does he share personal things? Not only facts, but what he thinks and feels: what worries him, what he's proud of, what hurt him.
Does he open up more over time? A reserved man who slowly lets you in is very different from one who never does.
Does he answer when you ask? Or deflect, joke, or change the subject whenever things get personal?
Do you feel you truly know him? This is often the clearest question of all. Trust the answer.

Open isn't the same as honest – but they're close

Openness and honesty are cousins. A man can be honest and still private. But a man who is consistently secretive about himself – what he does, where he goes, what he thinks – makes it very hard to build trust, and sometimes is hiding something more.

If you sense that he isn't simply reserved but deliberately guarded, pay attention to that feeling. Women are very perceptive; don't talk yourself out of what you sense.

Help it along

You can encourage openness by being open yourself. Share your own thoughts and feelings, ask with genuine curiosity rather than pressure, and listen without judgment when he does speak. Many men open up when they feel safe to – and you'll learn a great deal from whether he does.

Seeing it clearly

In Serelle, being open is one of 26 qualities, with three private questions of its own. Serelle shows you where he stands – on this and everything else that, in my experience, decides whether a relationship lasts.

Your answers stay yours, and the decision always stays with you.

Download Serelle and see him clearly, before you decide.

Choose with your eyes open.