Does he let you be yourself, or try to change you?

By Ayal Elbaz, therapist and author of How to Choose the Right Man

Think of a time when someone accepted you completely – exactly as you are, even if only for a moment. You didn't have to weigh your words or watch how you came across. You could simply be yourself.

Now think of someone around whom you had to think twice before saying or doing anything. How did that feel?

In my guide, the very first quality is a man who allows you to be. In more than twenty years as a therapist, I have come to see it as one of the most important things in any close relationship.

What "allowing you to be" means

It means he accepts you for who you are and doesn't try to change you. He respects and supports your decisions, your ideas, your goals and your dreams.

It doesn't mean he never disagrees. We all need to keep our own thoughts, and a good partner will tell you honestly when he sees things differently. The difference is in how: with kindness and respect, rather than judging, criticising or belittling.

Even small but frequent criticism keeps a person slightly tense. Over time, it stops them from thinking freely and from being themselves. That is a heavy price to pay in a relationship that is supposed to make life better.

Caring or controlling?

This is where it becomes difficult, because early in a relationship control can look a lot like love, care or affection.

He wants to know where you are. He'd rather you didn't go out without him. He worries about who you're seeing. In the first weeks, it can feel warm, even flattering.

But a man who needs to know your every move, or needs you close to him almost all the time, is usually acting from his own fears and insecurities. What looks like care at the beginning often becomes control later – and control stifles affection quickly, leaving you frustrated and constricted.

Jealousy belongs here too. A little jealousy is natural and even healthy; it shows he cares. But a man whose jealousy shapes what you do, who you see and how you behave is not allowing you to be.

What to notice

Most people are on their best behaviour in the first weeks, so look gently, over time:

Does he accept you as you are, or hint at what he'd like you to change – your clothes, your friends, your job, your opinions?
Does he support your plans and dreams, or quietly undermine them?
Does he let you spend time with the people you love without resenting it, openly or in silence?
How does he disagree? With respect, or with judgment and put-downs?
How do you feel around him? Free and at ease, or careful and slightly on guard?

The last question is often the clearest. Women easily pick up on control, even when it isn't spoken. If you notice yourself becoming more careful in what you say and do, take it seriously.

Be yourself from the start

The best way to see how accepting he really is, is to be fully yourself from the beginning – your opinions, your quirks, your plans. Many people hold parts of themselves back while dating, and a different person emerges later. If you show him who you really are early on, you'll see his true self – his real reactions, his true colours – while it's still easy to walk away, if you feel that's what you need to do.

Seeing it clearly

In Serelle, "allows to be" is one of 26 qualities, with three private questions of its own. Serelle shows you where he stands on it – and on everything else that, in my experience, decides whether a relationship lasts.

Your answers stay yours, and the decision always stays with you.

Download Serelle and see him clearly, before you decide.