Red flags in the first few dates

By Ayal Elbaz, therapist and author of How to Choose the Right Man

The first few dates, or weeks, can be really tricky. It's possible to see someone clearly, and yet at the same time want to look past what we see. Much of it is new and exciting, and it's natural to give each other the benefit of the doubt.

There's nothing wrong with that. But, as I said, the early weeks can show a great deal, if you know what to notice. Most of what later breaks a relationship was visible, at least a little, from the start.

This isn't about suspicion or judging him. It's about paying calm attention while it's still easy to decide.

The signs worth noticing

He's vague or secretive about himself. When you ask about his life, his work, his past, does he open up, or keep everything at arm's length? Some men are simply reserved and need time. But a man who stays guarded week after week is making closeness very hard.

Something he says doesn't quite add up. A story that changes, a detail that doesn't fit, an explanation that feels a little too smooth. As a woman, you are very perceptive – if you sense, even a little, that he isn't being honest, don't brush it aside. Honesty is the one quality nothing else can make up for.

He doesn't really listen. He talks a lot, asks little, and seems to wait for you to finish rather than respond to what you said. A few days later he doesn't remember what mattered to you.

He's in a hurry for sex. In my experience, this is one of the clearest early signs. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you – but it often means he doesn't see you as a long-term partner, or struggles to see a woman romantically. A man who likes you for who you are can wait for as long as it takes, until you are ready. If you sense that pressure, give it the attention it deserves.

His touch is about him, not you. Is he affectionate in a way that makes you feel good and cared for – or mainly in a way that pleases himself?

He wants to know your every move. Constant messages about where you are, unease when you see friends without him. Early on it can feel flattering. More often it is the beginning of control, and it tends to grow.

He's bitter about life or other people. Every ex was terrible, every boss unfair, the world is against him. Some disappointment is human; a pattern of bitterness rarely disappears – more often, it grows.

He avoids the future. Questions about relationships, marriage or the years ahead are met with a joke, a shrug or a change of subject – again and again.

He speaks about his family or friends with contempt. How a man speaks about the people closest to him often shows how he may one day speak about you.

One flag isn't a verdict

No single sign means he's the wrong man. People are nervous on early dates, some are shy, and everyone has an off day. What matters is the pattern over several dates and weeks.

So don't interrogate him, and don't turn your dates into a test. Be yourself, enjoy getting to know him, and let him be. Then, quietly, notice. If the same concern keeps coming back, it's telling you something.

Trust what you sense

The most important advice I can give is this: don't talk yourself out of what you feel. When something seems off but almost everything else is wonderful, it's tempting to dismiss the doubt. Give it time and attention instead. The earlier you see clearly, the easier every decision becomes.

Seeing it clearly

Serelle helps you turn those quiet impressions into a clear picture. You answer 78 private questions about the man you have in mind, across 26 qualities, and see where he stands – what's a strength, what's worth watching, and whether anything essential is missing.

Your answers stay yours, and the decision always stays with you.

Download Serelle and see him clearly, before you decide.

Choose with your eyes open.

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