Is he serious about a future with you?

By Ayal Elbaz, therapist and author of How to Choose the Right Man

Some men speak easily about the future – a trip next summer, a home one day, children someday. Others go quiet, change the subject, or make a joke of it.

Neither tells you everything on its own. But whether a man truly believes in a lasting relationship, and wants one for himself, is one of the most important things to understand about him. In my guide it is one of the 26 qualities, and one that weighs heavily.

Belief comes first

Many people today are unsure whether long-term relationships are still possible. They have seen marriages around them break down, and it has left a mark. That is understandable.

But in my experience, a relationship rarely lasts if one of the two doesn't believe it can. Success in almost anything depends a great deal on believing it is possible. The couples I have seen build long and happy lives together usually believed they could – or simply knew that this is how things are meant to be.

So when a man doesn't believe in marriage or a lasting relationship, you are looking at a real source of future trouble – even if everything feels wonderful now.

Hidden beliefs show up indirectly

A man may never say "I don't believe in commitment." He may not even think it in those words. But deep-seated doubts tend to show themselves in other ways: in hesitation, in keeping one foot out of the door, in plans that never quite take shape, or in a restlessness that appears just when things get serious.

That is why it is worth looking past what he says to how he behaves.

The signs to notice

Does he talk about the future in real terms, or only in the abstract? "We should go to Italy in June" is different from "it'd be nice to travel someday."
Do you feature in his plans? When he speaks about the coming year, are you in the picture – or only him?
How does he speak about marriage and long-term relationships in general? With hope, with cynicism, or with jokes that never quite land?
Does he sincerely want a long-term relationship for himself, not just in principle?
Does he follow through? Small promises kept are a good sign that bigger ones will be too.

How to raise it gently

You don't need to ask on the second date where this is going. After a few dates – or sooner, if it feels natural – you can talk about relationships in general: what he thinks of marriage, how he sees two people growing older together, what he hopes his life will look like.

Keep it light and honest, without pressure or confrontation. Many people are sceptical about marriage today and still deeply want it. What you are looking for is not the perfect answer, but a clear picture of how much he truly wants a lasting relationship, and whether he would work to make it happen.

If he isn't sure

If he isn't sure, it isn't necessarily the end of the world. People can change, and a good relationship can strengthen a man's belief in one. But be honest with yourself. If you want a lifelong partner and he doesn't believe in one, love alone is unlikely to bridge that gap – and it is far easier to see it now than years from now.

Seeing it clearly

In Serelle, this is one of 26 qualities, with three private questions of its own. Serelle shows you where he stands – and what that means for the two of you.

Your answers stay yours, and the decision always stays with you.

Download Serelle and see him clearly, before you decide.

Choose with your eyes open.