Chemistry vs. compatibility – what really makes it last

By Ayal Elbaz, therapist and author of How to Choose the Right Man

You know the feeling. There is something about him, a special draw – a pull you can't quite explain. Or maybe he's just so good-looking, such a man's man. You can't seem to think clearly around him. It feels strong and good, he seems to feel it too, and everything feels more alive.

That is chemistry, and I'll say it plainly: I am a romantic. I believe in it, and special connections absolutely do exist.

But in more than twenty years as a therapist, I have seen how often chemistry and compatibility get confused – and how much heartbreak comes from mistaking one for the other.

What chemistry is

Chemistry is the attraction, the excitement, the sense that you were somehow meant to meet. It makes life exciting and pulls us out of the everyday.

It is also, very often, misleading. The reasons we feel drawn to someone can be deep and hidden – old patterns, unmet needs, a familiar kind of person. A wonderful smile, beautiful eyes, a magnetic presence: none of these says anything about who he will be, or how he will behave, on an ordinary Tuesday five years from now.

What compatibility is

Compatibility is a smooth, easy and rewarding life together. It is whether two people can actually build that life:

Do you share the same perspectives on life? On family, children, values, faith, even politics.
Do you picture the same future? Where and how do you each see yourselves in twenty or thirty years?
Do you have the qualities that make daily life work? Honesty, respect, the ability to listen and talk things through, optimism, a sense of humour.
Do you understand one another? Do you enjoy talking to each other, and truly hear each other? Do you let each other be, without resentment, and with ease and affection?

You don't need to agree on everything – differences of opinion are healthy, even enriching. But on the fundamental questions, you need to be pulling in the same direction. When two people want different futures, each pushes their own way, and the relationship slowly pulls apart. You need to accept one another without effort, and to talk freely, without strain.

No amount of love or attraction can make up for profound differences in how two people see life and live it day to day.

Why chemistry so often wins – at first

When the pull is strong, it is easy to overlook what doesn't fit. Many women, being loving and generous by nature, see the good in a man – his potential, the person he could be. Sometimes that potential comes out. Most often it doesn't, and the gap between who he is and who you hoped he'd be becomes the story of the relationship.

If you notice that you are explaining away things that matter to you, simply because the feeling is so strong, take a step back. Give yourself a little time. The right man understands you and sees your point of view without too much effort on your part. When you share goals, a sense of purpose and a way of life, you simply get one another.

The best of both

None of this means choosing compatibility over chemistry. The happiest couples usually have both – and the two tend to feed each other. In my experience, a great deal of lasting chemistry actually comes from compatibility: shared goals, good communication, a feeling of being truly understood.

So the question isn't chemistry or compatibility? It's this: is there a real foundation under the feeling? If there is, let the chemistry draw you even closer. If there isn't, the feeling alone is unlikely to carry you through the years.

Seeing it clearly

When the pull is strong, it can be hard to see the foundation clearly. Serelle helps you look: you answer 78 private questions about the man you have in mind, across 26 qualities, and see where he stands – with the reasoning behind every result.

Your answers stay yours, and the decision always stays with you.

Download Serelle and see him clearly, before you decide.