Does he truly listen? Signs to notice
By Ayal Elbaz, therapist and author of How to Choose the Right Man
Many women have told me, in one way or another, the same thing: we talk all the time, and I still feel alone.
It is one of the quieter disappointments in a relationship, and one of the most common. The couple converses, spends evenings together, discusses all kinds of matters – and yet one of them doesn't feel truly heard or understood.
That is why, in my guide, listening has a place of its own, separate from communication in general. A man can talk well and nod in the right places without truly listening. The difference matters more than it seems.
Listening is a sign of interest
When someone truly listens, it means they are interested. And when someone is interested, it shows that their attention isn't only on themselves.
A man who listens will actually get to know you. He'll lend you an ear when you need it. You'll have someone to tell things to, to share your worries and ideas with, even your secrets. You won't feel alone in your own relationship – which, sadly, is how many women feel even after years together.
Communication itself is not talking. It is speaking and listening, and speaking and listening, at roughly the same ratio. A man who mostly talks, or mostly stays silent, is only doing half of it.
The signs to notice
You don't need to test him. You only need to pay attention over a few dates – five or six is usually enough to see a pattern.
- Does he truly listen, or only wait for his turn? Some people are simply waiting for you to finish so they can say what they were already going to say. You can often feel the difference.
- Does he respond to what you said? A genuine comment or question that shows he heard and understood you, rather than a quick change of subject back to himself.
- Does he remember? If you mentioned something that mattered to you – a worry about work, a friend's news, a plan – does he ask about it a few days later?
- Does he ask you questions at all? Curiosity about your life, your thoughts and your day is one of the clearest signs of real interest.
- Does he start conversations, or only respond to yours?
No man will be perfect at all of these. But a man who genuinely enjoys listening to you will show it in many shapes and forms, without being asked.
Why it matters for the long run
In the first few dates, a man can easily hide how well he really listens. But as I said above, if you pay close attention, you can usually tell. The more you talk, the more his true self will show. And a man who truly listens is a man you'll be happy and at ease to talk with – for years.
Over the years, being heard is one of the things that keeps two people close. It is worth noticing from the start.
Seeing it clearly
In Serelle, listening is one of 26 qualities, with three private questions of its own. Serelle shows you where he stands on it – and on the 25 other qualities that, in my experience, decide whether a relationship lasts.
Your answers stay yours, and the decision always stays with you.
Download Serelle and see him clearly, before you decide.
Choose with your eyes open.
More from the guide
- Chemistry vs. compatibility - what really makes it last
- Does he let you be yourself, or try to change you?
- How he treats his parents, and what it tells you
- How to know if he's the right man for you
- Is he serious about a future with you?
- Red flags in the first few dates
- Signs he's open with you
- Why honesty can't be outscored